Each of us in our lifetimes creates an ADAPTIVE SELF. Carl Jung, famous Swiss psychiatrist, referred to this self as your “persona.” This persona, or adaptive self, is a mask that you create and wear to adapt to your environment and to feel safe.
It is this adaptive self that might cause you to abandon who you really are at the core (for example, maybe dismiss what you really want or need). Over time, you can begin to feel numb and empty, depressed or just lost—-acting a certain way but longing all the time for something else.
Maybe you act happy and wear a smile when deep down you are sad or depressed about life. Or you wear the mask of anger because you’re afraid to feel your sadness.
We’ve all worn masks. For example, you’ve made contracts with yourself through your beliefs as to what is available to you, how you should act, what you need to do, be, and have—-you’ve done all of this in order to survive. We’ve all done it.
In this blog, I’ll share a story about a client whom I’ll call Max.
I met Max when he was in his mid 30’s. He was an interesting man, pretty well adjusted as far as his work life and personal life, but in sharing his life story, he commented on how hard it was for him to share his emotions with anyone.
In looking back at his childhood with him—-trying to figure out his adaptive self, he recalled a very important event—-this was his grandmother’s funeral when he was 8 years old. He was very close to his grandmother, and at the funeral, he began to cry. He remembers his father saying to him sternly, “We do not cry in this family.” (Can you imagine saying this to an 8-year-old?)
Even though as an adult Max understands that what his father told him was detrimental to his psychological and emotional growth, as a child he really trusted his father’s “rules.”
It is his father’s rules that created Max’s adaptive self or mask that he’s been wearing since then. As he put it, even though he knows fully well as an adult that crying is not a sign of weakness, he has to overcome his guilty feelings when he lets himself feel sad in front of someone.
So, I reminded Max that it is important to look back at old contracts he has made with himself, to dig them up, void them if necessary, and/or rewrite them. Max did this exercise and created a mantra for himself–“I feel and honor my feelings fully.”
What old contracts do you have that need to be voided or rewritten? Exploring and removing your adaptive mask can help you “course correct” and move toward more authentic living on your journey.
Feeling connected is important to you from the beginning to the end of your life (whether you think this is true or not).
Children especially want to know that they belong in their world and that they will be okay, whether they can express this or not.
In fact, do you know what research shows is a child’s greatest fear? A child’s greatest fear is abandonment.
This plays out in adult life as fear not only of abandonment, but also of rejection, of loss, of betrayal, and so on. Interestingly, some people who are in a situation they find difficult will even leave others first so that they will not be “left.”
So, back to the child and how this dynamic plays out–as the vulnerable child grows, the child begins to move about, and a conflict between a need for both separation and connection generally occurs at some point. While there is a need for connection, what is not as easily understood is that each of us also at some point has a need for separation-—to be able to stand independently on our own.
So from childhood on, while we may venture to be independent, we may also wish to remain connected. These opposing needs for both connection and separation play out continually throughout our lives and affect our sense of self (who we think we are, who we become).
How this may play out in a relationship is that partners may have a need to be close to each other, yet at the same time an equal need to have space and distance.
With open communication and trust, a healthy balance can usually be achieved.
It’s a new year! How do you hold the most positive thoughts for what you wish to create for this next year? Do you believe in miracles?
Some might say it is unrealistic to expect a miracle, yet the word “miracle” has actually come a long way from its original meaning. It is derived from the Latin “miraculum” which means “to cause wonder and astonishment,” and “mirus,” which means “wonderful to see.” A miracle, therefore, is something that is extraordinary, inexplicable, and unexplainable by normal standards.
According to Webster, the standard definition for a miracle is something that goes against the normal laws of nature and is usually ascribed to some super power. In fact, virtually all religions express a belief in miracles.
In our current society, we are taught to believe only in those things we can logically understand. We are generally not taught that Universal Law reveals that we have limitless potential or that Universal Power can be used to work miracles in our lives.
What we need to know is that miracles are not logical BUT that we are connected to an unlimited source of energy and power as human beings. Most of what I have accomplished in my lifetime that seemed “unreal” by practical standards or impossible to others was very possible to me.
To open yourself to a miracle, pay attention to these principles:
Stillness: Empty your mind through practicing stillness and moments of quiet receptiveness.
Alignment: Align yourself with your heart and practice compassion in your world. Know that everything is energy (you included) and everything is available to you.
Request: Make a request that is clear and decisive.
Visualize and Feel: Elevate yourself to a higher state. Envision yourself happy, healthy, and whole, receiving what you have requested. See and feel this. Practice every day going into your “inner workshop” to see and feel yourself “having” what you have requested.
Gratitude: Practice an attitude of gratitude. Give thanks for what you know you will receive.
Okay, you’re ready. Now set up the conditions and believe your miracle into being. Here’s to a great year!
