In life we generally encounter people with difficult personalities. It’s important to know that everyone may be difficult at some time in their interactions with others. So to expect perfect interactions all the time would not be realistic. Yet, what is important is to understand methods for dealing with individuals who may be consistently difficult.
In fact, what’s necessary for starters is not to be overwhelmed by your own response to these individuals. It’s amazing the number of people who report being constantly “surprised” by the same behavior that others give them.
I taught communications workshops and courses for years for local businesses and also in the business school at Old Dominion University. Frequently, I asked my attendees, “Why are people difficult?” Their answers were primarily as follows: people have had difficult childhoods; they have personality disorders; they are full of repressed anger or fear; they weren’t taking their prescribed medications!, etc. All these answers seemed possible.
The real answer to this question, though, is simple: People are difficult because it works for them! It’s very important that you try to understand the reason for the individual’s behavior so that you can respond in a way that does not condone the behavior.
Let’s take one type of difficult personality: the Exploder. This person appears to have adult temper tantrums, often exploding out of nowhere. So what’s behind this behavior? Let’s try to understand the Exploder’s behavior. What brings explosions out?
This person usually feels personally threatened before exploding.
When a person feels personally threatened, he/she usually wants to be alone.
The Exploder when threatened usually attacks–this creates distance which is what the Exploder wants.
The Exploder usually feels suspicious of others and often makes the other person feel afraid or ashamed. Often these feelings are what the Exploder feels and he/she is projecting them on to others.
So how do you not allow this to work for the person? When the Exploder explodes or attacks, do not withdraw or become silent. Weigh your situation, but be sure to maintain your ground, take a stand, and respond by staying in your power.
What about another difficult personality–the Complainer (also known as the Whiner)?
What’s behind the behavior? Usually, the Complainer feels helpless and overwhelmed by an unfair world and unobtainable perfection. He/she may see problems as much worse than they really are and may try to make others miserable too. So offering solutions to them may make them whine even more.
Here’s a Strategy:
Listen attentively to the complainer’s complaint even if you feel impatient and give good eye contact. Complainers wants attention.
Don’t agree; you’ll encourage them.
Don’t disagree; they’ll repeat their problems.
Don’t try to solve them – you can’t.
Don’t ask them why they are complaining to you since they may start again from the beginning.
So listen for the main points, paraphrase and reflect. Write their complaints down.
Then shift the focus to asking them to come up with solutions.
Try to move into a problem-solving mode by asking specific informational questions.
ATTENTION: Your goal is to form a problem-solving alliance.
If all the above has achieved nothing, bring your conversations assertively to a close with something like, “Since your issue seems to have no feasible solution at this time, talking about it will probably not allow us to achieve the results you’re seeking. If you happen to think of a possible solution, please put it in writing, so we can proceed.”
When you put them in charge of solving their own problems, they usually cease complaining!
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We formed our core relationship with ourselves and with life in early childhood based on the messages we received, the trauma we may have suffered, and the role modeling of the adults around us.
Co-dependent behavior (feeling the need to be connected to someone else in order to survive) is a pattern often developed in childhood to help a person to survive. Staying strongly connected to and/or attempting to control your caregivers may have been the only way you could feel safe.
This behavior may play out in your adult life as a need to feel connected to another person and a feeling that without that connection you may not survive. This may cause you to sacrifice your own growth in order to feel safe. It may cause you to feel the need to “please” people in your life in order to be approved.
As adults, we grow to understand that we are the only one who can “rescue,” truly approve, or reliably care-take ourselves. While there may be an Inner Child in us seeking love and care, we learn that there is an Inner Adult whom we can also develop who is capable of caring for us. In fact, we can contribute to the development of our Inner Adult by challenging the way in which we feel dependent upon others to meet our needs and by building our self-esteem.
This Inner Adult is a part of you that is capable of thinking well, stays in touch with reality, and is able to make wise choices by estimating the probability of consequences of certain acts. How do you strengthen your Inner Adult?
Learn to trust and respect yourself. You can “course-correct” at any time by acting responsibly for your own life.
Value yourself. Accept your desires for what they truly are and ask for what you need, not only from yourself but from others in your relationships.
Maintain healthy boundaries. Do not under-function or over-function in your relationships with others.
Enjoy spending time alone. Understand that being “alone” does not mean “lonely”; in fact, the word “alone” is derived from two words “all one.” You can feel complete when alone.
Remind yourself of the times in which you cared well for yourself. Celebrate your successes in the past and look forward to standing by your own side now and in the future.
Give yourself your own approval. Ultimately, you teach others how to treat you through your own behavior toward yourself.
Do you allow yourself to make “mistakes” realizing that we are all here to learn? Does your value as a person depend on what others think of you? Do you have trouble asking for favors and tend to apologize a lot?
Self-esteem can be defined as people’s overall evaluation or appraisal of themselves and their own self-worth. What influences this self-appraisal?
Each of us is born into a culture or set of shared ideas about our nature of reality and of right and wrong. Our learned beliefs can be empowering and encouraging, or they can be limiting. Most often, we go through life without challenging these beliefs.
As children, we are often taught to find meaning through attachments to others. While this can create relatedness to others, it can also encourage dependency and emptiness when alone.
There is also a cultural standard of beauty and acceptability that causes us to become conscious of how we look. Even though these standards are really artificial beliefs, we take them in as fact and usually apply them to ourselves.
Critically important to your self-esteem is not to retreat into a comparison of yourself based on societal standards. In fact, most people who have manifested their heart’s desire have NOT relied upon the need to fit the norm or to confine to others’ comfort zones.
Here are some tips for building self-esteem:
Be able to speak of your accomplishments and shortcomings with honesty, knowing that you are worthy just as you are.
Practice both giving and receiving with a level of comfort.
Be more spontaneous and trusting of your opinions and abilities.
Have integrity–walk your talk–be harmonious with what you say and do.
Be open-minded about new ideas and experiences.
Accept other people where they are, especially when their thoughts and behaviors don’t match yours.
Laugh at yourself and others with grace. Humor will relax you so that you can be more the “real” you, and above all, you can enjoy this precious lifetime!
In life we generally encounter people with difficult personalities. It’s important to know that everyone may be difficult at some time in their interactions with others. So to expect perfect interactions all the time would not be realistic. Yet, what is important is to understand methods for dealing with individuals who may be consistently difficult.