In certain circumstances, people may depend upon you to provide for them, take care of them, and guide them, and this temporary state of dependency may be normal. Yet if this dependency becomes permanent or occurs over a long period of time, the person may feel angry about needing you. Resentment may grow for both of you. “Why can’t I do this for myself?” may become the person’s question.
If the feelings and dynamics continue, the relationship can turn into a “hostile dependent” one in which the person feels angry for needing you as well as you feeling angry for the dependency.
How is this type of relationship created? You may create a hostile dependent relationship with another person through:
a need to be needed–if I make the person dependent, I am important;
a need to control–if the person is dependent on me, I can control their choices;
a fear of being abandoned–if the person is dependent, he/she won’t leave me.
When you are helping others, ask yourself a few questions to ensure healthy relationship dynamics:
Would my helping this person give him or her greater independence and growth?
Would my assistance help this person to know his or her own talents, strengths, and capabilities?
Does my helping cause this person ultimately to be able to help himself/herself?
Remember the Chinese proverb: “Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to fish and you feed them for a lifetime.”
I once heard a riddle that went something like this: “Five frogs sat on a log. One decided to jump. How many frogs were left?”
I remember thinking through what the logical answer would be (four) but knowing there must be some trick to this. Actually, there wasn’t a trick but instead a revelation.
The answer to the riddle is: Five. There’s a difference between deciding to jump and actually jumping.
Now this leads me to an important point: Power exists in taking action. While it is important to think, plan, and strategize, it is equally important to ACT.
What have you been thinking about for a long time, may even be convinced should happen, but haven’t taken action on? Decide today to do one thing that requires necessary action . . . and move forward!
Congratulations to the TWO lucky WINNERS of the website contest at www.heartliving.com: N. Schafer and K. Kaplan. Each winner will receive an individual, 1 hour coaching session with Dr. Cynthia Bischoff.
These winners were selected from the subscribers’ pool using a random numbers generator tool from random.org.
Stay tuned for more exciting giveaways for Subscribers only! The next drawing will be held in October!
Heartliving is proud to announce its FIFTEENTH YEAR as a website and business! Based in Norfolk, VA, we have reached people as far away as Japan and Europe. Become a subscriber to Heartliving NOW by signing up with your e-mail address under the Welcome information to the right of this blog. NEW ventures are coming for on-line offerings, programs, and products. As a token of appreciation for helping Heartliving reach new heights, we are offering Individual Coaching Sessions with Cynthia to 2 lucky subscribers! The winners will be notified by e-mail on Friday, September 7. Good luck!
Once upon a time there was a wise man
Who used to go to the ocean to do his writing.
He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.
One day he was walking along the shore.
As he looked down the beach,
He saw a human figure moving like a dancer.
He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day.
So he began to walk faster to catch up.
As he got closer, he saw that it was a young man
And the young man wasn’t dancing,
But instead he was reaching down to the shore,
Picking up something and very gently throwing it into the ocean.
As he got closer he called out,
“Good morning! What are you doing?”
The young man paused, looked up and replied,
“Throwing starfish in the ocean.”
“I guess I should have asked,why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?”
“The sun is up and the tide is going out.And if I don’t throw them in they’ll die.”
“But, young man, don’t you realize that there are miles and miles of beach
And starfish all along it.
You can’t possibly make a difference!”
The young man listened politely.
Then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea,
Past the breaking waves and said-
“It made a difference for that one.”
In certain circumstances, people may depend upon you to provide for them, take care of them, and guide them, and this temporary state of dependency may be normal. Yet if this dependency becomes permanent or occurs over a long period of time, the person may feel angry about needing you. Resentment may grow for both of you. “Why can’t I do this for myself?” may become the person’s question.
