Many books are written about relationships–how to attract the right partner, how to keep your partner, how to communicate with your partner, why your partner is not that into you, and so on! The truth is that relationships can be complex and do require some attention if two people are to grow together into more intimate union and love.
Most often, instead of understanding relationship dynamics, people think that if they can just change this or that about their partners, their relationships would finally work. Does this sound familiar? We must know that no one is perfect nor to be blamed and following some common-sense guidelines can help you to improve your relationship. They are based on effective principles of communication and should be practiced by both partners:
For starters, don’t expect your partner to satisfy all of your relationship needs. Take good care of yourself. Maintain healthy friendships outside of your primary relationship, and you will be less apt to feel that you need your partner to “complete” you.
Be sure to maintain a friendship as well as a love relationship with your partner. Most couples who stay together do so because of a sense of friendship and respect that exists long after the romantic sparks might not be as bright. Partners who are friends generally like and accept each other as they genuinely are.
It’s important to practice active listening. Sometimes all your partner wants you to do is just listen. So listen carefully; then paraphrase back to your partner what you believe you heard him or her say. It greatly helps to keep all communication clear.
Know that talking over each other or not acknowledging what we’ve heard causes monologues rather than dialogues. And when you do listen and especially when you pick up what matters to your partner, you can ask about it at another time, making your partner know you did listen and that you care.
Know what you do want and communicate that clearly. We sometimes get stuck in repeating what we don’t want or like and don’t communicate clearly what we do want. Instead of “it bothers me when you say that” try “I appreciate that you shared that with me in that way.”
Avoid arguments as a way of getting attention or engaging in drama. Find a more productive way to be in relationship and avoid taking your frustrations out on your partner. If your partner is doing that with you, have a conversation about how you feel–in a constructive way.
If you must disagree, do what is termed “fight fairly.” The language we use during a conflict has a critical effect on our relationships. Calling each other names and blaming each other will dissolve trust and respect faster than anything else. And if this has already happened, you can commit to starting over now. Remember “up until now”!
Commit to change. Know that a healthy relationship is one that continues to evolve. Establish regular conversations with your partner to be sure important issues are being addressed and understood.
Most of all, soften your heart. Sometimes, you have to rise above the current situation and look at the overall picture of your relationship. How long have you been together? What have you been through? In what ways have you shared your lives and supported one another? What might you do differently now? Of all the tips, perhaps this is most important of all!
You can also set aside one “date” each week with your partner in which you don’t talk about the children (if there are kids), you don’t talk about work or about money, the house, etc., but you talk about each other. I have suggested this to clients who have done this. I remember a client telling me that she and her husband looked at each other and had nothing to say at first on that “first date.” The good news is that they stayed committed, though, to that date each week. By the second week, they started talking about what mattered to them, sharing some of their hopes and dreams as well as fears. –Or as she put it, “getting down to some deep inner stuff.” Over time, it greatly improved their connection.
All in all, we came into this world to learn to love and to know that we are love. Nothing is perhaps more powerful than heart connections.
Affirmations are statements that can support you in manifesting powerful change. Write or say these statements at any time (some people do so daily) and use them to support a shift in your consciousness or feeling state. It is important that the affirmations you select resonate with you, that is, that they feel natural and appropriate. In order to choose statements that feel right, you may need to change words in the statements listed here, or let these inspire you to create your own.
I relax knowing all in my life is well.
I know that I count and act as if I do.
I let go and trust that everything is happening perfectly.
I peacefully allow my life to unfold.
Every day I expand my comfort zone by allowing for risks.
Whatever happens in any situation, I know I can handle it.
I live my life to the fullest.
I expect good things to come to me.
I focus on my many blessings and have every expectation that my good will be met.
I create meaning and purpose with whatever life hands me.
I release all doubt and fear and move into a state of positive flow.
I accept myself as I am and create peace in my heart.
I am loved and safe.
I find value in all aspects of my life.
My faith lifts me above all fears.
Affirmations are used in hypnotherapy in order to reprogram the subconscious mind. By using them in your “awake” state, you are also accessing their power by allowing yourself to “hear” a new way to be. The purpose of using affirmations is to open to allow something healthy to become. In addition, they can help us shift our attention from less empowering actions such as “getting” or “taking,” to more freeing concepts, such as “receiving,” “accepting,” and “allowing.”
As you work more and more with affirmations, you can make them part of your daily life. Remember, you are already using statements or affirmations every time you think or speak. If your current thoughts are less helpful, you can intentionally change them to ones that will help you shift into a more meaningful life!
Are you ready to explore and find direction for your life? Do you have desires and dreams but wonder where to go with them? In less than two weeks, you can make plans to ignite your life by attending my new Heartliving Workshop, “Ignite Your Life!” In this seminar, you will get new tools to take you to the next level personally and professionally. Through discussion, new Heartliving templates, exercises, and energy techniques, you will create a plan of action to ignite your life! You will be guided to understand your potential and honor your life as your most precious gift. If you need clarity, motivation, and forward action in your life, then you must attend this workshop!
Ignite Your Life! will be held 9:00-5:00 on Saturday, April 23, 2016, at the Virginia Beach Resort Hotel & Conference Center on the Chesapeake Bay. Program fee is $165.00. There are a few openings left, so sign-up now to secure your spot. Ready to change your life? Click here to register: REGISTER
If you’ve been following Heartliving on Facebook, you know I’m currently teaching, counseling and healing others in Japan. Working internationally, Japan specifically, was one of my dreams, and many years prior to my first trip there, I repeated the mantra: “I desire to teach and help others internationally.” I never once thought that this would be NOT be possible, although I didn’t understand HOW it could happen. I didn’t get caught up in the logic of it–the “how’s.” I just set the intention, believed it would happen, and moved forward with directed action.
Are you ready to explore and find direction for your life? Do you have desires and dreams but wonder where to go with them? If so, then join me on Saturday, April 23, 2016, for my new Heartliving Workshop, “Ignite Your Life!” In this seminar, you will get new tools to take you to the next level personally and professionally. Through discussion, new Heartliving templates, exercises, and energy techniques, you will create a plan of action to ignite your life! You will be guided to understand your potential and honor your life as your most precious gift. If you need clarity, motivation, and forward action in your life, then you must attend this workshop!
Ignite Your Life!will be held 9:00-5:00 on Saturday, April 23, 2016, at the Virginia Beach Resort Hotel & Conference Center on the Chesapeake Bay. Enjoy an Early Bird Special program fee of $150.00 (until March 31st). Regular program fee is $165.00 and conference space is limited so sign-up now to secure your spot. Ready to change your life? Click here to register: REGISTER
I ended last week’s blog by sharing ways to create heart harmony in our lives. This week, I’ll delve deeper, providing methods for leading from the heart and living with conscious intent.
In order to get you more in touch with your heart feelings and to figure out what’s working and what’s not working, ask yourself questions– we spend so much of our lives seeking answers that we often don’t allow for ourselves to ask questions and be patient with the process of living. Two great questions are, “What do I want to bring into my life?” or “What do I want to release?” and they can lead you to think about:
An area in your life that might be calling for you to make a change
An area where the most or least learning is going on
An area in which you feel “stuck”
An area in which you could challenge yourself more
An area that causes the most pain
An area that scares you the most in your life
Also, give some attention to the balance of your body, mind, and spirit. Do you honor your body with movement—whether it’s exercise or yoga or tai chi or walking? Because if you don’t honor your body, it will talk to you—and generally through illness or pain.
If you had to choose one area—body, mind, or spirit—which one would you feel needs the most attention or balance right now? Explore that and attend to that area.
Leading from the heart and maintaining heart harmony may also require that you to live with conscious intention. How do you do that? Here are some helpful suggestions:
Slow down and become more focused. If you are living at warp speed (and I know some days I feel this way), it is very hard not to be living in reactionary patterns.
“Practice the Pause.” Instead of reacting, just stop, take a deep breath, and reflect before doing or saying anything. Instead of reacting, respond to your circumstances.
Adopt a daily ritual. When you get up in the morning take a moment that gets you in touch with conscious intention. Ask yourself, “what is it I wish to accomplish today?” or “what can I do to contribute to a positive outcome today in my world?”
Practice holding a “Bird’s Eye View” as a way of living and being in the world. Lift yourself above the situation you find yourself in, especially difficult ones, and hold a bigger picture. You’ll find yourself less caught in the drama.
Think less about “what’s missing” in your life and focus on what you do have and what you want to create. For example, instead of focusing on thoughts like “I don’t have enough money,” focus with intention on thoughts, such as “I attract unlimited abundance into my life.”
Instead of concentrating on “what has always been”—which usually creates a stuck place– focus on what you want to create. For example, instead of “I can’t change things because they’ve always been that way in this relationship,” why not try thoughts like “I’ll work at being peaceful and complete in myself and contribute positively to this relationship.”
Another tip for bringing coherence to your heart and de-stressing yourself is NOT to take things personally. Remember that someone else’s judgment is simply that. Maybe what’s going on with that person has nothing to do with you, so don’t let your own positive feelings and intentions waver. Some people like to hook you in their negativity, too, so remain detached from the drama.
Pay attention to your self-talk. Become more conscious of your thoughts. Every thought you have impacts you. So shift “weak” or negative thoughts into ones that strengthen or enhance your well-being.
And pay attention to how your family and friends, your workplace, affects you. In an energetic world, we find that the consciousness of your friends, family, and acquaintances will definitely impact you and your consciousness in turn impacts others. Don’t allow others’ behavior and choices to bring you down and vice-versa.
Also realize that the more responsibility you take for what is going on in your life and the more conscious you become of your feelings, you may go into more pain in order to heal. But what’s really important is to know that this is a natural part of the process since you cannot heal what you will not let yourself feel.
Finally, I really believe if you wish to lead from your heart, forgiveness is the ultimate in creating heart harmony.
You know, when you are holding on to negative feelings or hurt about a situation with someone, and haven’t forgiven a person, the person most affected is you because you are still giving energy to them. It’s as though you are plugged into them and leaking your own energy or life force that affects the coherence of your body, mind, and spirit.
But how does a person forgive? You can’t just will it. In next week’s blog I’ll talk about some myths around forgiveness and how forgiving can be a powerful tool for making a difference and improving your heart harmony.
In last week’s blog, I discussed the evolution of our understanding of the heart throughout history, and modern, integrated thoughts about the heart’s role in connecting mind/body/spirit. Today’s blog expounds on contemporary research regarding the heart, well-being, and creating a positive heart rhythm in our lives.
In my exploration about the heart, one author who impressed me perhaps the most was Dean Ornish, a medical doctor, a cardiologist, researcher, and author. One of my favorite books by him is Love and Survival. He suggests that the heart contains energy that affects everything in a person’s life from issues of intimacy, intelligence, and immunity, to love and healing.
Dr. Ornish’s research confirmed that people who grew up in families that were allowed to express themselves or self-disclose were more likely to enter into healthy intimate relationships that, in turn, led to healthier outcomes in regard to physical health later in life. He also suggests that the heart’s electromagnetic field far out-powers that of the brain or any other body system– and since calming the heart calms all other body systems, it makes sense to learn to bring coherence to the heart. Because when your heart is in harmony, its rhythm creates a favorable response of hormones and biochemistry that, in turn, benefits the entire body and your health. Dr. Ornish’s research has shown that through various forms of opening your heart (for example, sharing your feelings and issues and practicing forgiveness), a person is affected physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Dr. Ornish believes that a person is composed of a system of energy that is connected to others and that people can open and shut down this energy system that moves through them when they shut down or close off their hearts. How do they do this? Through fear, worry, stress, negativity and so on. In fact, he says we suffer not because we’re in pain, the real suffering is that we feel we are in pain alone. If on the other hand, we open our heart by making a connection with our outer world and with others in it, he believes that the energy that flows in nourishes us at all levels such that love and intimacy play a very powerful role in a person’s health and even in a person’s survival. He says this is documented by hundreds of scientific studies.
What the research also showed is that while a person can’t change particular events that may have happened earlier in their lives (for example, certain traumas), the ongoing pattern of relating to others is the most important factor in their health and well-being. And that people can change the way in which they relate not only to themselves but to others.
How does a person improve or change negative patterns of relatedness—that perhaps have taken place throughout their lifetime? Dr. Ornish, says that there is tremendous scientific evidence about the importance of spending time talking with people and that a person’s well-being improves if the person does what he calls “opens the heart.”
You could say opening the heart would mean being willing to allow yourself to be open and vulnerable to another person. So even though diet and exercise may help reverse heart disease, Dr. Ornish says that love and intimacy might be the most important factors in heart health. So it’s important to look at what brings joy, value, and meaning into your life.
So how do we create heart harmony or positive heart rhythm in our lives?
Disclose what we’re feeling. You can do this by talking with others– either talking with one person or getting involved in a group process that would allow this.
Write about how you feel. You can keep a journal, write letters, and take notes in any way that works for you. You can draw your feelings, too.
Allow yourself to feel. Remember, “What we resist, persists.” By admitting your feelings you are opening your heart.
Love and accept yourself for who you are as you are.
Stay with your current feelings and not your old story. The old story will often take you into your mind and out of the present.
When you can acknowledge your feelings and share them, you take a big step toward healing. And along the way, it is so important to ask yourself questions that get you exploring and releasing your heart feelings more.
In next week’s blog, I’ll give you more techniques and tips on exploring and releasing your heart feelings.
Many books are written about relationships–how to attract the right partner, how to keep your partner, how to communicate with your partner, why your partner is not that into you, and so on! The truth is that relationships can be complex and do require some attention if two people are to grow together into more intimate union and love.